Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The 2014 Brazil World Cup Review

Even though the World Cup is over, if you squint hard enough, you can still see it's illuminating presence in the rear view mirror.

So let's do a World Cup review of all the moments that we came to know and love, the ones we mocked and ridiculed, and the times we applauded.

The Award for Bravery ( in the face of defeat, even though no-one gave the team a chance, and  it sure sucked losing, but what the hell, a narrow loss still felt like a victory.)

Obviously the award goes to the Socceroos. Australians love to romanticise international losses. Gallipoli is an example.

The Socceroos World Cup campaign has parallels with the landing at Gallipoli; mostly Australian young men, out of position and under heavy constant fire.

The Aussies narrow 3-2 loss to Holland was heartbreaking, but the way the team took the cold sword to the belly was inspirational for all the little kiddies (who were all probably fast asleep during the game).

The Netherlands game was football porn. From Arjen Robben's opening goal, to Tim Cahill's spectacular volleying equaliser.

The Aussies led for a brief time, but just like in a porn film the Socceroos were fucked by a black guy's penetrating shot.

Had it, Lost It, Team of of the Tournament

The Unifying Theory of Life, from the character Sick Boy in the film Trainspotting is the inspiration behind this award.

"At one point you've got it, then you lose it. The it's gone forever. All walks of life.  George Best, for example. Had it, lost it.

And Hot Dog! We have a wiener! Nice one Spain! The 2010 World Cup Champions couldn't recover from the Holland spanking in the first game.

Most Kreas (Meathead) Team

To qualify as the Kreas team of the World Cup, the qualification process is as follows.

Number of Kreas moments: this includes acts like hogging, diving and needless violence.

The Uruguayans are worthy winners of this award.

Uruguay had all the qualifying attributes in one player - Luis Suarez. His World Cup rap sheet is impressive.

Accused of diving. Guilty!
Accused of  hogging. Guilty!
Accused of needless violence. Guilty!

Ahh the bite that was heard around the world. CRUNCH. Tearing the kreas (meat) out of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder meant that Luis Suarez probably had the 2014 World Cup's most defining moment.

It wasn't just Luis Suarez being a Kreas, his teammate Maxi Periera also got involved in some Kreas action, kicking out at Costa Rican attacker Joel Cambell in the group phase.

Oh Shit! we Farked it Up

There were a few contenders for this award. It was a strong selection of teams. Brazil, Italy, Spain, England, Portugal.

Sure all the nominees Italy, Spain, England and Portugal didn't even get out of the group stage.

But it doesn't compare to Brazil's history making 7-1 loss to Germany in the semi final.

It was the biggest semi-final fark up in World Cup history; as was my prediction of a Brazil win against Germany.

The Am I Bovvered?

The award goes to England. Well done England!

Garnering one point in the group stage was your lowest ever return in your World Cup history.

It was also the first time you have been eliminated from the group stage since 1958.


It's a toss up between Russian Manager Fabio Capello and Spanish Striker Diego Costa.

And we have a tie!

Capello, the highest paid manger in Brazil, has only won one of his seven World Cup games that he has coached.

Chelsea paid a whopping $58 million transfer fee to sign Costa from Atlecio Madrid.

They will hope he performs better than he did at the World Cup for Spain, as he only had one shot on target in 126 minutes of action.

Congratulations to both recipients, very overrated.


For me there is only one winner. It goes to Costa Rican goal keeper Keylor Navas.

Navas is a freak. With Navas in goals, Costa Rica beat England, Italy, Uruguay and knocked out Greece. All those teams ranked in the top 12.

Navas saved 21 shots out of 23. That's an impressive 91% of shots saved.

Ground Hog Day 

"What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?"

That Ground Hog day movie quote applies both to Mexico and Chile.

Poor Mexico, they can't get past the round of 16. Los Manitos have been knocked out at that stage during their last six World Cups.

Meanwhile Chile can't beat Brazil at a World Cup. La Roja haven't beaten the Seleção in four games and have been  knocked out by Brazil in the round of 16 during their last three World Cup appearances.

The Coach who looks like he's here to fix the pipes. 


The award clearly goes to Brazil coach Luis Felipe Scolari.

Not one for suiting and booting, Scolari  looked more like a Plumber than an international manager.

Worst Chant

This one was easy. The award goes to the USA. Even though funny man Will Ferrell added some celebrity to it, the USA's - "I believe! That we will win" was a weak and cringe worthy chant.

It didn't have any witty lines, it didn't share the melody of a famous song, it was arrogant, dumb and simple (should I be a bit prejudice/racist and say it's a perfect representation of the US population?

No I won't as there are some really cool Seppo's out there (umm my family), but c'mon guys, you can do way better!)

Best Chant

C'mon you should know it by now.

"Brasil decime que se siente" "Brazil tell me how it feels like"

It's the Argentina chant. It's ticks all the boxes of a great football chant. It's witty, it mocks their rivals Brazil it's got history and it uses the melody of a well known song.

It's sung to the tune of Credence Clear Water's Bad Moon Rising.

Here is the crowd singing it with English subtitles.

Here are the Argentine players singing it in their dressing rooms after a win.

So that's all folks, thanks for sharing this World Cup with me.
Yours in Football, Con Stamocostas

PS Germany was the best team. 

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