The 2014 Brazil World Cup Review

Even though the World Cup is over, if you squint hard enough, you can still see it's illuminating presence in the rear view mirror.

So let's do a World Cup review of all the moments that we came to know and love, the ones we mocked and ridiculed, and the times we applauded.

The Award for Bravery ( in the face of defeat, even though no-one gave the team a chance, and  it sure sucked losing, but what the hell, a narrow loss still felt like a victory.)

Obviously the award goes to the Socceroos. Australians love to romanticise international losses. Gallipoli is an example.

The Socceroos World Cup campaign has parallels with the landing at Gallipoli; mostly Australian young men, out of position and under heavy constant fire.

The Aussies narrow 3-2 loss to Holland was heartbreaking, but the way the team took the cold sword to the belly was inspirational for all the little kiddies (who were all probably fast asleep during the game).

The Netherlands game was football porn. From Arjen Robben's opening goal, to Tim Cahill's spectacular volleying equaliser.

The Aussies led for a brief time, but just like in a porn film the Socceroos were fucked by a black guy's penetrating shot.

Had it, Lost It, Team of of the Tournament

The Unifying Theory of Life, from the character Sick Boy in the film Trainspotting is the inspiration behind this award.

"At one point you've got it, then you lose it. The it's gone forever. All walks of life.  George Best, for example. Had it, lost it.

And Hot Dog! We have a wiener! Nice one Spain! The 2010 World Cup Champions couldn't recover from the Holland spanking in the first game.


Most Kreas (Meathead) Team

To qualify as the Kreas team of the World Cup, the qualification process is as follows.

Number of Kreas moments: this includes acts like hogging, diving and needless violence.

The Uruguayans are worthy winners of this award.

Uruguay had all the qualifying attributes in one player - Luis Suarez. His World Cup rap sheet is impressive.

Accused of diving. Guilty!
Accused of  hogging. Guilty!
Accused of needless violence. Guilty!

Ahh the bite that was heard around the world. CRUNCH. Tearing the kreas (meat) out of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini's shoulder meant that Luis Suarez probably had the 2014 World Cup's most defining moment.

It wasn't just Luis Suarez being a Kreas, his teammate Maxi Periera also got involved in some Kreas action, kicking out at Costa Rican attacker Joel Cambell in the group phase.


Oh Shit! we Farked it Up

There were a few contenders for this award. It was a strong selection of teams. Brazil, Italy, Spain, England, Portugal.

Sure all the nominees Italy, Spain, England and Portugal didn't even get out of the group stage.

But it doesn't compare to Brazil's history making 7-1 loss to Germany in the semi final.

It was the biggest semi-final fark up in World Cup history; as was my prediction of a Brazil win against Germany.

The Am I Bovvered?



The award goes to England. Well done England!

Garnering one point in the group stage was your lowest ever return in your World Cup history.

It was also the first time you have been eliminated from the group stage since 1958.

Overrated

It's a toss up between Russian Manager Fabio Capello and Spanish Striker Diego Costa.

And we have a tie!

Capello, the highest paid manger in Brazil, has only won one of his seven World Cup games that he has coached.

Chelsea paid a whopping $58 million transfer fee to sign Costa from Atlecio Madrid.

They will hope he performs better than he did at the World Cup for Spain, as he only had one shot on target in 126 minutes of action.

Congratulations to both recipients, very overrated.

Underrated

For me there is only one winner. It goes to Costa Rican goal keeper Keylor Navas.

Navas is a freak. With Navas in goals, Costa Rica beat England, Italy, Uruguay and knocked out Greece. All those teams ranked in the top 12.

Navas saved 21 shots out of 23. That's an impressive 91% of shots saved.


Ground Hog Day 



"What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?"

That Ground Hog day movie quote applies both to Mexico and Chile.

Poor Mexico, they can't get past the round of 16. Los Manitos have been knocked out at that stage during their last six World Cups.

Meanwhile Chile can't beat Brazil at a World Cup. La Roja haven't beaten the Seleção in four games and have been  knocked out by Brazil in the round of 16 during their last three World Cup appearances.

The Coach who looks like he's here to fix the pipes. 

 

The award clearly goes to Brazil coach Luis Felipe Scolari.

Not one for suiting and booting, Scolari  looked more like a Plumber than an international manager.

Worst Chant

This one was easy. The award goes to the USA. Even though funny man Will Ferrell added some celebrity to it, the USA's - "I believe! That we will win" was a weak and cringe worthy chant.

It didn't have any witty lines, it didn't share the melody of a famous song, it was arrogant, dumb and simple (should I be a bit prejudice/racist and say it's a perfect representation of the US population?

No I won't as there are some really cool Seppo's out there (umm my family), but c'mon guys, you can do way better!)


Best Chant

C'mon you should know it by now.

"Brasil decime que se siente" "Brazil tell me how it feels like"

It's the Argentina chant. It's ticks all the boxes of a great football chant. It's witty, it mocks their rivals Brazil it's got history and it uses the melody of a well known song.

It's sung to the tune of Credence Clear Water's Bad Moon Rising.

Here is the crowd singing it with English subtitles.

Here are the Argentine players singing it in their dressing rooms after a win.

So that's all folks, thanks for sharing this World Cup with me.

Yours in Football, Con Stamocostas

PS Germany was the best team. 

Greece World Cup Odyssey featured in Neos Kosmos

Hi There Yiasou and Opa!

Greece's World Cup Odyssey through my gonzo eyes got featured on the English version of the Neos Kosmos Newspaper Website. So you don't have to learn Greek to read it.

Check out the link here

Here are a couple of snippets:

"So close yet so far away for the Greeks, they should have won the Round 16 game against Costa Rica but the football gods tired of blessing them, cursed them in the end. Poor Theofanis Gekas now has to carry the boulder of World Cup failure on his shoulders for eternity."

"Since 1949 Costa Rica has had no standing army. Go you hippies! It's something the Greeks could learn from as they spend a shit load of their GDP on defence. Perhaps instead of having National Service the Greeks could use that time making their young men practice penalties."

Would love it if you clicked the link to read it. It's an amalgamation of the two Greece pieces I put on A Football Story during Greece's World Cup campaign in Brazil 2014.

Also a quick thanks for those who read any of my stories during the month of June it's been a record in terms of hits so thanks very much for reading my work and fighting through the bad grammar. I really appreciate it.

Cheers
Con Stamocostas

Brazil - Colombia, Holland- Costa Rica WC Quarter Final Previews

Brazil - Colombia Side Show Bob vs Colombian Samba

"If we win the World Cup we can stay in Brazil, if we lose we will have to live in Europe"

That was Side Show Bob (David Luiz) from the Simpsons speaking to Gary Liniker in the excellent documentary "Lineker in Brazil" Of course the gift that is the internet has a picture of Sideshow Bob and David Luiz  ready for me.

The pressure on Brazil the home nation for the 2014 World Cup must by all synonyms of huge. Even though they have won five World Cup the Brazilians have a Word Cup history of buckling under the pressure. Losing to Uraguay in the last minute in 1954 and more recently The World Cup in France 1998 and the mystery of Ronaldo

That mystery was solved when during the aforementioned documentary "Lineker in Brazil the Potato chip spruiker Lineker, asks Ronaldo about what happened during the moments leading up to the 1998 World Cup Final against France. The strory goes after luch on the day of the final Ronaldo suffered a seizure and was unconscious for almost five minutes.

The Superstar Striker went to hospital and nothing was found to be medically wrong with him so after getting the all clear from the doctors and declaring himself fit to play the Striker went on to play the game whre he was poor impression of usual superstar self. History shows that France won the final against Brazil 3-0. Zidane scored two goals from corners with his head. Guess who was supposed to mark him at those corners? That's right Ronaldo.

Don't Cry for Me Brazil

The Brazilians have brought in a sports psychologist to ready the players minds before they take on Colombia. Tim Vickery the South American expert reckons the Jogo Bonito boys are crying before matches, during the game and after. Is it tears of relief or tears of joy?

It's well known before games the Brazilians turn up singing and dancing. I wonder what are they listening to before the games this time round. Enya? Cat Power? Andre Reus? I'd be crying before the game if the only strikers my team had were Fred and Jo. They are probably the worst pairing seen on a football pitch since Celine Dion and her Quebec accent played at Wembley Arena.

At the moment Neymar has the hopes of  200 million Samba botherers  on his shoulders. Hulk has been playing more like Bruce Banner and at times the the team looks more disjointed than Christoper Nolan's third Batman film the Dark Night Rises.

Still part of me wants Brazil to get their shit together and show us the real Brazil. It will make the party last longer.

Colombian Samba

Columbia meanwhile is doing really good business at this World Cup. They are taking apart every team that comes before them with football triumvirate of flair power and skill. I love watching James Rodriguez play he is an old school exponent of  Shoot Farken.  James with a H is upstaging the Brazilians in goals and in goal celebrations. I'm gonna learn me some Colombian Samba!

Will the South Americans produce a dour struggle were both teams cancel each other out because they know each other too well? You would love the cynicism and the pressure of a prospective semi final berth be put aside so the artist and football genius of Neymar and Rodriguez has time and space to shine.

Costa Rica - Holland Green vs Mean

To Paraphrase Kevin Keegan I would love it if Costa Rica beat Holland! Love it!

Those smug Dutch divers beat the Aussies and even serial flopper Robben has admitted to the world that he loves to to be vertically challenged, especially in the box. Along with their moments of thugness and smugness the Dutch have gone from exponents of  Total Football to Total Cheats.

The Dutch are a direct shadow of their former selves Their coach Van Gaal is not afraid to park the bus with five at the back and use the early release pass so Robben, Van Persie and Sneijder feed off the scraps.

But in saying that the Dutch do have quality running through their side. They are not a Kreas side by any means.

Costa Rica  could be in for one hell of a beating. The only weakness the Dutch posess is themselves. I only see them losing to the Tico's if they let their cynicism and arrogance beat them. Yes I'm going to say they are their own worst enemy but it's not just hubris that could be their downfall.

Tico Power

First they have to get through the Costa Rican Uber Keeper Keylor Navas. The Costa Ricans aren't shy when it comes to dangerous attacking threats themselves. Brian Ruiz who Fullham fans must be wondering why he didn't show his World Cup form when the team was being relegated form the English Premier League.

Joel Campbell the Arsenal squad member who Arsene Wenger like a strict parent only now loves because he is successful has the potential to scare the Orange out of the Dutch defenders.

Alas for lovers of Fairy Tales and triumphs of David's over Goliath's I fear the Costa Ricans and their "we aren't even supposed to be here today" mentality might be not be enough to win through against Holland.

The only authentic underdogs in the last eight probably have used up all their energy and luck during the Greece win. I forgive them for beating Greece and the Tico's can redeem themselves by beating the Netherlands. I would love it just love it if they can beat them!