Half Time Heroes, January 2010

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Half Time Heroes, A Noughties Football Review

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Half Time Heroes Issue 5 online now!

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Sydney FC Blog: Have A Pie, It's On Me

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I was standing on the balcony of the Sky Blue Business Lounge eating a meat pie and drinking beer thinking to myself: How cool is this?

Then Matt Thomson scores it’s 3-0 and that’s my buzz killed...

The Party

Here I am celebrating my brother’s imminent marriage to the woman of his dreams with a view of the pitch that is fit for a king, what better way for Phillip to bid farewell to single life than to be amongst family and friends and have a bucks party in the prawn sandwich section of Sydney Football Stadium?

It was all going to script (except it’s now 3-0) even though James Venn the corporate sales manager would have preferred that the organiser of this doo my brother George had told him it was bucks instead of attending the game under the guise of this being a corporate shin dig.

The thing is George kept true to the story that we were here under the name of Half-Time Heroes and not as a bucks party because, well, they don’t like bucks parties in the Sky Business Lounge, it’s supposed to be only for the high powered types.

James however was not so easily fooled and once he saw that we were all blokes and Phillip was sporting a Sydney FC jersey with Stamocostas 09 on the back, he started to suspect.

“Is it a business celebration or as some other type of celebration?” James asked.

“Both, but more of a bucks celebration if I was to be honest,” I added pointing at my brother.

“You should have told me,” James said. “I would have chucked you on the other side away from everyone.”

I replied back: “Chill James, look at us? Do we look like we are going to cause trouble?”

Of course, I ask this question sporting one of those ugly unkempt beards were the side burns have grown out in a disproportioned length to the rest of the beard and I’m wearing my season one hat and season one jersey.

James was probably right to be a bit suspicious of us behaving badly as the following story I tell you has been added to the new chapter in my soon to be published memoirs entitled “The Faux Pa Handbook, A guide to surviving the Noughties”

The Pies

At half time these beautiful lamb pies are served and a bunch of us are sitting in the comfy chairs of the Sky Blue business lounge munching away. A stranger approaches the table and takes two pies out of the basket and says I’m taking these.

Now I’ll be honest, in a somewhat sarcastic smart arse tone I say to the stranger “You know there is a lady that comes around and serves them to you” He looks at me and says it’s ok, it’s for my kid.

He leaves and of course we all start talking behind his back saying things like. “That well dressed gentleman was rude”. The consensus around the table was that it was rude behaviour. So we down another beer and we arrive at the consensus again. “How very rude!”

Then right out of my blind spot the gentlemen that took the pies reaches around the table and replaces the pies that he took with brand new ones. “Here you go” he says. Everyone around the table and in the most hypocritical of tones say “No, no don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter.”

The Bozza

We go head back to our seats just in time for the start of the second half.

Mark Bosnich walks through our section and sits right next to the pie thief, now the pie replacer, who now has the moral high ground position all alone.

So for most of the second half, I concede that with my earlier indignant response to what was only a couple of lamb pies(albeit very nice and tasty meat pies), I have now thrown away the chance to get an interview with Mark Bosnich.

I mean I insulted the great man's friend.

So finally with not long left in the game I do get the courage and give Mark a hand written note with a request to interview him one day.

I hope anyway, I bet that pie thief tells him I was one rude bastard who wanted to keep all the pies for himself!

The Game

And my thoughts on the actual game: Vitezslav Lavicka has been outcoached in each of three losses the Bling has suffered recently.

Mad Miron, Dave Mitchell and Branko “Batman” Culina have all out-thought and out-strategised the highly credentialed Euro-boss.

Simon “my Melbourne Heart is still in Sydney” Colosimo has been one of the obvious culprits. He has gone for the killer tackle or killer ball too many times and it has cost Sydney goals. His inner midfield has come out at the worst time.

Recent calls by some football pundits that this squad is the best Sydney team ever and possible World Cup call ups for messieurs Colosimo and Brosque have been far off the mark.

Remember the A-League and remember your limits, and don’t get upset about the pies!

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We're Shit And So Are You!

THE TRUTH can be brutal they say. They also say the truth can set you free. Me, I like it when the truth is funny.

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And the following quote by Newcastle Jets coach Branko Culina after narrowly losing to the World Cup bound Wellington Phoenix is comedy gold: "We are only a finals team because all the teams around us are pretty shit as well,"

Not only is that quote hella funny and brutally honest but far from setting anything or anyone free, it could cost Branko Culina 10 large. Branko has already stated in a previous infamous press conference that he is only on “50 bucks or whatever it is” so perhaps some of those Jets fans could pass the bucket around.

After each Branko outburst I think to myself does he suffer from “esprit d'escalier”? It’s a French phrase meaning the wit of the staircase. The wit of the staircase refers to the perfect witty response you think up after the conversation or argument is ended. The answer you cannot make, the pattern you cannot complete till afterwards it suddenly comes to you when it is too late. Like when you walk down the stairs or up the stairs after the conversation or argument has ended. Your mind suddenly goes “I should have said that instead!”

I suffer from the wit of the stair case. I have a staircase full of polished jokes, kick ass pick up lines and hook line and sinker rebuttals. But alas on that staircase they remain never to be used at the most opportune time only to come to me as I walk away.

Branko perhaps should leave some of his wit on the staircase. But should he? The Jets coach was only making the same point I made in my blog a couple of weeks back where I  said “rather than being a selling point, the fact that any team can beat any other team on any given day is making the A League predictably unpredictable”

It’s the same message except, I did not say it as eloquently as Branko did.

With some of the on field action leaving a lot to be desired it’s the press conference where most of the quality football action is happening. But not for long it seems.

The FFA has a bad case of the “control freaks “about them this season. Gagging coaches left right and centre, then absurdly suspending my favourite albino footballer Bass Van Der Brink for four games. What was Powder’s crime?  Man handling the referee inappropriately. Van Den Brink only touched the referees arm for less than a second while debating a penalty decision.

Michael Jackson would not have stood a chance if the FFA match review panel administered the recently departed gloved one’s court cases.

Half Time Heroes Issue 4 is online now!  Featuring some of Australia’s best independent football writers with stories on: The Socceroos, A League, Cartoons, Comedy, Satire, La Liga & an Aussie Gringo @ Boca, plus loads more.

http://www.halftimeheroes.com.au/

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