Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Socceroos - Spanish Inquisition (Analysis)

I didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition

Yes I farken started this piece with a farken Monty Python quote. Fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and a nice red uniform (make that two farken Monty Pyton quotes) is exactly how the La Farken Furiuos Roja took care of the Socceroos in Curtiba.

Matty Ryan opened his legs and let the Spanish  Matador Juan Mata score the third goal plunging his sword into a tiring bull that was the Socceroos campaign as the Aussies ended their World Cup in Brazil with a 3-0 loss without a point and without any real fight left in them.

That's two farken Spanish stereotypes in the two opening paragraphs as well as the who what where and how. I might golf clap myself but just like the Socceroos players I'm too cansado (tired).

In the end the Socceroos two chief weapons (still ripping off Monty Pyton I know) suspended Tim Cahil and half injured Mark Bresciano nullified any chance the Socceroos had of getting anything out of the Spain game. 

After the Aussies performed well above expectations against Chile and Holland fans worst fears materialised in the last group game. Against the country that loves pronouncing every "C" with a heavy "TH" and every second word with a lisp, it was too much to expect anything but a convincing defeat from the Spanish who were just too classy and skillful.

Even though they beat the Socceroos convincingly Spain were playing in second gear and they are out of the World Cup this early because they kept on playing Heavy Metal (possession based ticki tacka football) when the rest of the world had moved on to listening to Grunge (vertical passing, counter attacking football).

At least it wasn't a Pim Verbeek thrashing that happened four years ago in South Africa against Ze Germans, or  a Holger Osieck double six nil thrashing. There was no bravery or Anzac type spirit in this performance where the team played above themselves, unfortunately  it was what everyone expected. 

The Socceroos ended this concert with their worst song, it was a dodgy final third and it's probably my worst music and movie analogy.

You can't blame me though! I hate writing these pieces after the Socceroos lose. I don't know about you but when my team of choice loses I rarely read the match report or opinion pieces . So I don't know why you are even bothering to read this. Are you some sadist who enjoys basking in a loss are you vultures picking at the carcass of defeat?

Hey calm down don't be a Debbie Downer, we got four more years to wait till the next World Cup and the planning starts now! Plus don't forget the Asian Cup in January we expect to win  it easily now after how the Socceroos performed in Brazil. Left foot volleys from Tim Cahill here we come! Right? 


  • I just got one. We don't have to listen to Craig Foster coach the team from the stands anymore. I liked it when there was some drama in the game and the Socceroos were in the fight but this game the assistant coach commentary was too much.
Random Player Analysis

  • Mile Jedinak is so laid back in interviews and press conferences he sometimes gets mistaken for a chair. The Jak was guilty of horrible passing and moments of suspect defending and to top it off he got in the way of a Matt McKay volley against Spain. One of the few Socceroos chances on goal in the whole match. Do you agree with Eamonn Flanngan suggestion that he's the worst Croatian we've ever had?
  • Matty Ryan. Alexis Sanchez, Robin Van Persie, Arjen Robben, Fernando Torres, Juan Mata, Nutmegs, Flaps and heading the ball 30 meters out from the Goal-line. Poor Matty Ryan had a World Cup to forget and because he is young and potentially has the skills to pay the bills he hasn't been crucified by the media. Mitch Langerack wasn't afforded so much forgiveness I would have loved to have seen him in action against Spain but it wasn't to be.
Bullshit Stories
  • Tim Cahill is leaving New York Red Bulls  and sacrificing  his salary of three million plus to take a pay cut for two million and get booed while playing for Sydney FC. Just like Sepp Blatter is going to take away the World Cup from Qatar and give it to Australia, it's bullshit farken!
  • Mathew Leckie had a great tournament don't get me wrong but he is far from the finished product, and a few dollars short at being valued at 10 million big ones. Besides the chest shot I don't think he had a shot on target the whole World Cup. To paraphrase Paul Keaitng he is all Ice and no Berg.(that doesn't make sense but remember, you're not even supposed to be reading this)
Facts That Aren't Cool Dude
  • Brazil 2014 was Australia's worst World Cup performance in the History of the Universe!
  • Australia conceded the most goals in their World Cup History! 
  • The Socceroos didn't get a point in Brazil 2014 making this the worst World Cup in the History of Australian football universe!
  • NOT getting to the next round means we still can't call them "Our Socceroos". Unless you get out of the group stage it's still "The Socceroos". Sorry but thems the rules
  • Dodgy defence was the Socceroos downfall this time, not dodgy penalty decisions or dodgy send offs or dodgy handballs. They did it to themselves.
  • Now that Australia's World Cup Odyssey has come to an end I'm sad. The A-League doesn't start till October. what will I write about now? Make up transfer stories like everyone else? An unnamed source suggest that Mathew Leckie is not moving to Barcelona!
  • Dead rubbers at the World Cup suck worse than friendlies.
Cheers for reading my thoughts and grievances over the last couple of months.It doesn't get any better for a football writer than writing about the World Cup. I might write a weekly piece till the end of the World Cup just to keep the writing juices flowing.

Con Stamocostas


  1. Glad you're back and healthy- missed your acute, entertaining, in depth, snarky analysis. Happy for the boys, they did the best that they were capable of - even imo punching above their weight (NED, CHI). But hey, you reap what you sow, and this is what we get for focusing on the peripheral BS in our game. It will be fascinating to see where Ange and this new gen go. Good luck to them. BTW ,are you shootfarken? if not come back to twittersphere!

  2. Hey Cheers for the comment. really appreciate it. Yeah I did like to throw the Shoot Farken around I was Stama10 on Twitter. Got a bit of social media fatigue there. What was your twitter handle? Might come back one day you never know.