Friday, July 2, 2010

Lessons to Forget about this World Cup

One Loss and We Hate You
The manic and depressive nature of being an Australian football fan. One loss and all of a sudden Australia is a laughing stock and no-one really cares about football. One win and all of a sudden the nation is bursting with pride.  Also notice that the Headline writers love using “We” and “Our” in front of the Socceroos when they win it gives us the feeling of community but lose and we will disown you like one of Pele’s or Maradonna’s kids born out of wedlock.

Courage and Pride A Cover For Losers
If your team is called courageous and the fans are filled with pride after your team gets knocked out of the World Cup then you are nothing but losers who dine on mediocrity. You should concentrate on the Commonwealth Games.

Damn You 4-2-3-1
If your team plays with this system they are afraid to lose and if both teams are playing this system then its 90 minutes of midfield mediocrity a system that shackles teams, frustrates fans and gives analysts wet dreams. All this talk about tactics and team ideology is really all about moving one guy a little forwards and another guy a little backwards.

Socceroos Don’t Cry but Craig Foster and Les Murray do!
I would say that only Harry Kewell would have been well within his right to have a cry. All those laps and stretching and groin rubbing and he only played less than 30 mins. Tim Cahill had a cry after he was sent off, and so did the whole nation. Craig Foster, Les Murray and the rest of us cried when we saw the Socceroos line up against Germany.

The A League is better than training in Europe
New Zealand showed that A League players were able to play at the World Cup. After months of well known coaches suggesting that it couldn’t be done. The Kiwi’s showed the world that they can run for 90 minutes and play effective Rugby style field position Football. Who cares if it doesn’t allow you win a game the point is that the Kiwi’s could end up being the only undefeated team at this World Cup. If it so, it will be a football quiz question for the ages.

Losing 4-0 to Germany is Un-Australian
If you don’t say someone is Un-Australian at least 100 times in your Australian life you are Un-Australian.

Winning and Diving is South American
Those South Americans with their skills and deceitful playing tactics, I’m sorry but you can’t have one without the other. Diving is a skill, feigning injury is a skill, and walking on and off the pitch next to a fair play flag with a straight face is an even bigger skill.

Australian Football Media are Mentalist Cry Babies
Watching Craig Foster lose it little by little with every game the Socceroos played was almost as enjoyable as the football. The suggestion that former captains should look at the team sheet and tactics prior to the game to make sure the team plays like Australians was a beauty. In fact it should be extended to fans and friends and wives and girlfriends of the players as well. Sort of like a leadership group in AFL get everyone in the change room prior to the game and everyone takes a vote. Should we play with one striker? Hands up if Brett Holman should play.

A Crazy Maradona is better Than Most Sane Coaches.
Maradona has shown that all you need is love. He constantly gives his players kisses and bear hugs before, during and after games. Who doesn’t want a hug from a sweaty, bearded short man with two watches? Perhaps Pim should have hugged or kissed more. I know Harry needed a hug. But what kind of hug?

Me-Hug: The hug that the Socceroos were using leading up to the World Cup. With rumours of a split in the Socceroos camp the technique of wrapping your arms around yourself could have been the reason the Socceroos were dumped out in the group stage.

Custom-tailored Hug: This is the hug that Pim failed to use during the tournament. A high-quality hug that could have saved the Socceroos. It is used whenever a taller hugger hugs a smaller huggee.

Bear Hug: Maradona has been using this technique all tournament. The full body hug places the Hugger and huggee toe-to-toe and belly-to-belly.  Feeling Mardona’s belly inspires the players. Since Maradona is god, touching belly of the gods gives the Argentine’s that divine help.

So learn and forget these lessons. You the tall Dutch guy at the back, I’m taking to you!!!

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