World Cup: The Teams

Now the World Cup is upon us, it’s time to make fun of the cultural differences that exist on and off the football field. Here is part one of my politically incorrect assessment of all the World Cup teams.



Algeria
Who/what are ya famous for?
Famous philosopher Albert Camus played as goalkeeper for Racing Universitaire Algerois.
His famous football quote is worn as t-shirt by football hipsters or nerds (mostly nerds).
Prediction: They have England and USA in their group. Pundits say you’re out! Romantics and Algerians dream of causing an ‘absurd’ upset.

Argentina
Who/what are ya famous for?
Maradona has chosen a very weird squad. Omitting experienced players and
including unknowns from the Argentinean league.
After Argentina won their last two WCQ matches a demure Maradona gave it to the press:
“They can suck it and carry on sucking it,
This is for all Argentines, minus the journalists.”
Prediction: Will meet Brazil in the final and beat them.


Australia
Who/what are ya famous for?
Playing funny sports, an assortment of animals that will kill you, bogan (wannabe) gangsters and racist politicians.
Prediction: Football pundits in Australia and around the world give us no hope, the opposition don’t know who our players are and the conservative coach is scared to death of playing any attacking football. I reckon we will make the Quarters after beating England and lose to France by some dodgy way in the quarters.

Brazil
Who/what are ya famous for?
Being the most famous football team in the world and for their ex-players falling to earth with a thud! Garincha (the drink) Ronaldo (the lady boy) and mostly beating every other team at half pace.
Prediction: Will make the final of the World Cup where they will be beaten by Argentina.

Cameroon
Who/what are ya famous for?
Having a cool nickname, Roger Milla goal celebrations and sleeveless shirts.
Prediction: Will get knocked out by Italy in the round of 16.


Chile
Who/what are ya famous for?
Dodgy dictators and being overshadowed by Argentina and Brazil.
Prediction: Will be knocked out by Brazil in the round of 16.

Denmark
Who/what are ya famous for?
Drawing cartoons of famous religious figures and making me and the rest of the world go to sleep while their games are on.
Prediction: Will not make it out of the group stage. Some groups will fall asleep, others will want to blow them up.

England
Who/what are ya famous for?
After trying to colonise the world, what remains from the fallen Empire is the phrase “fuck off” and the game of football.
Prediction: Will be beaten by Australia in the round of 16.

France
Who/what are ya famous for?
Making the 2010 World Cup by cheating their way past the unlucky Irish.
Prediction: Will lose to Brazil in the semi final.

Germany
Who/what are ya famous for?
Upon hearing that their captain Michael Ballack was ruled out of the World Cup it made me wish that there was a German word that describes the joy you feel from somebody else’s misfortune. (Thanks Sid Lowe for that one).
Prediction: Will make the quarter finals where they will be knocked out by Argentina.

Ghana
Who/what are ya famous for?
Hopefully not knocking Australia out of the group stages.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stages.

Greece
Who/what are ya famous for?
Let us see: modern civilization, democracy, music, art, theatre, maths, all that stuff. But then rested for a couple of thousand years, did not pay any tax during that time, sang the same song and danced the same dance and now is broke.
Prediction: My dad says Greeks are good for two things: dancing and drinking ouzo. With Argentina, Nigeria and Korea Republic in their group they will be lucky to score a goal ala USA 94.

Honduras
Who/what are ya famous for?
Fighting a football war with El Salvador in 1969!
Prediction: Will struggle to make the round of 16.

Italy
Who/what are ya famous for?
Will be fitted with the tightest shirts and shorts of any team in this Wold Cup. They are openly proud of being a bunch of mummies’ boys. They love late drama, cheating and cattenacio (10 defenders and a goal keeper).
Prediction: Will be beaten in the semi final by Argentina.

Ivory Coast (Cote d’Ivoire)
(Orderves)
Who/what are ya famous for?
Didier Drogba and the only country besides Holland that has more than one name.
Prediction: Lose to Spain in round of 16.

Japan
Who/what are ya famous for?
The land of Hot. Hot ladies, hot food and their strikers always melt when in front of goal.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage.

Mexico
Who/what are ya famous for?
Gardening and illegal aliens with rights. Hosting two of the best world cups on record (1970 and 1986).
Prediction: Knocked out by Argentina in the round of 16.

Netherlands
Who/what are ya famous for?
Preferring to win and look good than winning and playing ugly. They are so arrogant, they wear orange and think it looks cool.
Prediction:
Q) What does a Dutch player do after they win the World Cup?
A) Turn off the Play Station.

New Zealand
Who/what are ya famous for?
Not laughing at sheep jokes. Hating Australians and being nice to everyone else.
Prediction: The Kiwi’s have nothing to lose except pride and being the butt of more sheep jokes.

Nigeria
Who/what are ya famous for?
Not being able to beat Argentina in three previous world cups.
Prediction: Will lose to France in the round of 16.

North Korea
Who/what are ya famous for?
Egomanic Dictators Wanting to start World War Three and bowl haircuts. Being able to dance in synch with large groups
Prediction: Will be knocked out in Group Stage

Paraguay
Who/what are ya famous for?
Being confused with Uruguay
Prediction: Knocked out by Holland in round of 16

Portugal
Who/what are ya famous for?
Pretty boy footballers who speak English in Castrol advertisements very badly.
Prediction: Will fail to reach the group stage.



Serbia
Who/what are ya famous for?
Getting confused with Croatia and hopefully being kicked out of the World Cup by Australia.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage.
.
Slovakia
Who/what are ya famous for?
Getting confused with Slovenia.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage.

Slovenia
Who/what are ya famous for?
Getting Confused with Slovakia.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage.

South Africa
Who/what are ya famous for?
The institution of apartheid.
The iconic Nelson Mandella (played badly by Morgan Freeman in the 2009 Movie Invictus) was arrested in 1962 and released in 1990. After that, apartheid was dismantled in a series of negotiations from 1990 to 1993, culminating in elections in 1994, the first in South Africa with universal suffrage. Mandela became president in 1994.

Have you heard that song I’ve never met a nice South African? Here are some lyrics:
No, he’s never met a nice South African
And that’s not bloody surprising, mun
‘Cos we’re a bunch of arrogant bastards
Who hate black people.

Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage, the only home team to suffer that fate in the history of the world cup.


South Korea
Who/what are ya famous for?
The South Koreans are the world’s best break dancers and made the semi-finals in 2002 with some of the dodgiest decisions ever seen in World Cup history.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage unless they get the same refs from 2002.

Spain
Who/what are ya famous for?
Having one the best leagues in the world of football and always failing at the big time events. Except two years ago, when they beat Germany to win Euro 2008.
Prediction: Injuries to key players will mean they will be knocked out by Italy in the quarter finals.

Switzerland
Who/what are ya famous for?
Being neutral. Which is ironic since the neutral fan hates Switzerland.
Prediction: Did Switzerland really play in this World Cup?


United States
Who/what are ya famous for?
Being the World Champions in sports where they are the only country that participates. Trying to bring democracy (steal oil from) to other countries.
Prediction: Will be knocked out by Germany in the Round of 16

Uruguay
Who/what are ya famous for?
The first winners against Argentina in 1930 and winning the World Cup against Brazil in their own back yard (1950) and then not much else really.
Prediction: Will be knocked out in the group stage.